Blog 2....Fight!

High on the success of my first blog, I... Shawn Carlos Martins the 1st... have decided to embark on a long winded intellectual journey through time and my own mind. 

My last blog was wordy and convoluted, so i'll try and simplify this one....Which will be hard cause i've decided to go off the deep end with the subject matter...Yikessss!

Today I'd like to talk about the dilemma of Freewill (not to be confused with the popular Rush song of the same name)...A concept that people have been discussing for over a thousand years.

Let me start by saying that i'm not a philosopher, i'm not a scientist or some brilliant prodigy, i'm just a guy with a computer and some thoughts so just take my writing for what it is...Thoughts... I'm not here to change the world or step on anyones toes, i'm just sharing thoughts... some of which are not my own...Can ye digg? 

Let me start by saying that I am FASCINATED by freewill, always have been. From the minute I realized that I was capable of making my own decisions, I was hooked... There was no one who could make me do anything I didn't want to do. As you probably would have guessed, I had a very hard time growing up with that attitude. As I got older, I realized that life wasn't just about ME and what I WANTED, it is much more complicated than that. I realized quickly that my actions had real consequences. I learned that in order to avoid negative consequences, I had to really watch what I did and said. This notion made me upset, cause I felt like I was losing control of myself. The funny thing is that by watching my behaviour I was really gaining control instead of losing it. As I got even older, it occurred to me that what I saw as freewill when I was a kid was really youthful rebellion... I used to think that I was a bad person for wanting the world to revolve around me, but then I realized that everyone goes through that phase one way or another...

But it makes you think....Why is that? Why do we want the world to be our own personal satellite?  

I'm sure the answer stems from insecurity, or a desire to feel important...For me I know it was because I always thought the world was made for me.... which is sad and delusional, but that's what I really thought. I felt like every person on earth was just a figment of my imagination, or actors hired in a play. I wasn't an ego maniac or anything, I just always felt like no matter where I was or who I was with, I just didn't fit in. Now I am old enough to realize this feeling of not fitting in probably stems from some deep trust issues, (but i'll save that topic for another blog, For now the topic is Freewill :) 

I always felt that by giving into the needs and demands of other people I was giving up my own free choices. It meant a lot for me to feel like I was my own master (and it still does)...The reality piling up against me made it harder and harder to feel like was in control. As I got older, I saw my own desire for freewill changing before my eyes... 

"Well, I can't do everything I want now cause I need to get to work... I'll just put my uncontrollable urge to be free on hold till 5pm."

 But it's not just that, I was learning more about the philosophy of freewill and (believe it or not), the physics behind what we perceive as freedom. The latter is more interesting I feel... Modern physics states that all things in life react based on certain laws (ie. if you roll a boulder down a hill it generates momentum, if you toss an apple off a ledge it falls because of gravity, to every action there is an equal and opposite reaction etc.etc.) We know these fundamental physical laws are holding the world together,  that means we must be governed by the same laws as well... How can we truly be free? Even if you look at human beings on a chemical level, we are slaves to the billions of cells in our bodies. If your body is sick... you're sick, that's just how it goes...It's like even your own body takes the reigns of your life sometimes...How can we truly be free? 

This is where the philosophical crap comes into play. This is the part that no one can seem to agree on... No one can decide if we are controlled by ourselves or by the holiest of holies... 

The God question...  Is God controlling our lives, or are we?

....I'm obviously not sure... cause if I knew that answer i'd be rubbing elbows with Oxford's top brass instead of blogging on a mac I had to borrow money to buy... 

But I WILL tell you what I think about this whole ordeal... I think if there is a God he is incomprehensible to human conception, in other words, we can't see him cause our eyes aren't designed to. Thinking of God in this way makes me think that if God has no way of making himself visible to us, (and clearly no desire too) than he probably has no concern with the every day trails of our lives.... I think he /she /It loves us... yeah... and wants us to make good decisions...yeah...but pays attention to us the same way a busy parent pays attention to a needy child. I think God wants us to figure out what life is for ourselves. That's why we're born into this world with nothing, God wants us to be the ones to "fill the cup". I think God wants us to be free beings, but also wants us to understand that our freedom is limited.... And like all things in life, it comes with a price. 

Even though our chemical, physical and even spiritual bodies are sometimes seized by the parameters of Illness and reality, it's still up to us to go into the world and make the best with the choices we have. Everyone has the choice to be everything they ever wanted to be.... or everything they ever hated being... The trick is knowing who you really are.

To conclude.....I am Job....and The Dear Hunter is an amazing band!.... listen to 'The lake and the river' or 'The Procession'